Instant gratification is something that plagues my generation, and I fucking hate it. Fast food, Downloads on-demand. Weight-loss pills. All that bullshit that somehow is going to make you less hungry, more happy and less fat in just days, minutes or seconds.

Hard work is a lost value in life. No longer are we happy to have the opportunity to pour everything we have into something that will ultimately pay off in the long run. We want all the glory of victory without the sweat, soreness and exhausting effort required to gain it.

And if something is handed to us–because if you don’t earn it, it IS handed to you–then you don’t appreciate it the same way as if you worked your ass off to eventually get it. The only ones who found the gold were the ones who got their hands dirty.

She wants me now. She wants me again. She suddenly really wants me. She wants me back where I was. She wants me from way back when. And now she wants to want me but is afraid she’ll just want too much of me.

Tough life.

I’ve got a buddy who’s always complaining about the girls that he dates and hooks up with.

Somehow he always finds that girl that he’s never happy with or that he has zero chemistry with. Now bear in mind that this particular dude can be a little difficult to get along with at times, as his friend I know this. However there’s more to his misadventures with the opposite sex than he or most other dudes realize. As a matter of fact, he’s making one major error (and usually many other minor ones as well) in his futile pursuit: he’s repeating his same mistakes with every woman he encounters.

It was Albert Einstein that once said that “the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results.” But you don’t need one-tenth of Einstein’s brain power to realize a flaw in your routine and take corrective action.

In the past my friend has fought off paralyzing shyness when approaching a girl if his blood-alcohol level was anything under 0.12, and this really set him back. Never mind that a social setting with booze is already an easy go-to for someone looking to break out of a hump slump. At one point he had such a tough time overcoming his own hesitancy that he signed up with a bunch of online matchmaking sites in hopes that he’d miraculously find dating gold in the dating shit pan known as the internet.

My feelings about online dating are unequivocally obvious.

Instead of bitching and feeling bad about himself, he oughta be making positive and palpable changes in his methods, that way he can get out of his dating rut for good!

-Going someplace different, someplace where you might find common ground (other than, “damn! vodka shots are fun!”) with a girl that you meet. Someplace that offers not just a single fleeting moment for you to use some stupid pickup line, but a place where you and the young lady can hit it off.

-Doing something to improve yourself and make yourself more attractive to girls. Working out. Cutting your hair (or letting it grow a little). Mastering another language. Whatever, some form of positive change is always a good thing on your sex appeal resume.

-Taking a different approach and attitude into social situations. Don’t force it if it isn’t clicking, but don’t give up when she gives you a bad time or asks you a tough question. Ask her different questions, tell different (better) jokes, talk to and be genuinely friendly to everyone, not just the girl you wanna go home with. When you’re genuinely friendly to everyone, you become personable and the life of the party. You become easily approachable, and when you become approachable you attract others and get approached by them. Even if you don’t go home with a Perfect Ten model or the woman of your dreams that night, you’ll have had more fun, guaranteed.

It is purely psychological and it is always true!

Life is too short to keep hitting your head against the wall and not expect to get a headache.

“Sex without love is merely healthy exercise”

~Robert Heinlein

Match.com

EHarmony.com

Yahoo Personals

Lavalife

Craigslist

The list goes on and on of sites that are part of the growing (epidemic) trend of places people turn to, pardon me, click to in their search for love. These sites are at the forefront of a dating revolution that evens the playing field in a notoriously competitive bloodsport, and bridges the gap between the nerdy computer programmer and the buxom blonde bombshell that was previously accessible only to society’s most well-heeled and charming.

But at what price?

It’s 2009, and now instead of paying for her Lasagna della Famiglia and three glasses of Chianti, dating has been turned into a cash cow that charges you to look at pictures of some girl you’ve never met before, with a chance to send her an awkward, out-of-nowhere, “I like dogs and Thai food and riding my bicycle” email, with the hope that you’ll catch her eye and *gasp* land an actual date. Face to face. With an actual human being. That may end up hating you, after all that.

Whoever the fuck came up with this online dating bullshit is brilliant, truly a cunning capitalist in every sense of the term. Let’s take one of the most basic human instincts (the desire to be with and care about someone else) and put it behind the liquid crystal glass of your work and home computers, and then put it for sale! We can let people post flattering pictures, witty quotes, burning passions, favorite hobbies and preferred soulmate traits for anyone to see, so long as they pay their low monthly fee.

Let’s get this straight here, we are charging people to “meet” people online, instead of having to brush their teeth, go outside, open their eyes, smile and *gasp* be social in public places.  Some things should never be messed with, especially a good thing, but in this case it’s too late, online dating is not only here to stay, it’s growing.

The morons are rewarding the geniuses that came up with this shy-guy’s way of crossing his fingers and hoping to get lucky. In just one example of this profit-reaping epidemic, Match.com posted a profit of over $5 million in 2007 alone. One year, five million.

Don’t you wish you had come up with this or bottled water back in the day?

Had you told anyone back in the 1960s that in less than 50 years, people would be paying millions to find, communicate with, and stalk other strangers–all in the name of love–they’d have told you to stop smoking so much reefer and get back to reality, you know, where people actually meet each other.

What drives online dating? Is it the anonymity that lets anyone join and anyone find anyone they think they might be compatible with? Is it the coming of age of everyone who wants to be a part of the big couples party, but wants to maintain their antisocial attitude and doesn’t do well with the word hello?

Or are people just afraid of each other? Are people so stricken by face-to-face rejection anxiety that they’re willing to wait on a response to their emails for days and pay $19.99-a-month instead of waiting the two seconds it takes for someone to say “yeah, ice cream and an afternoon at the beach would be fun” to them directly? Are people afraid to flirt now in the 21st century?

Or is this just one symptom of a bigger, greater problem that can only be described as “real-world” social anxiety? Is all this great, cutting-edge technology killing our human personalities and our social interaction skills faster than an sugar-high 8-year-old shooting fish in a barrel with a 12-gauge?

Have we become laptop-locked, desk chair-dating turds that are afraid to go strike up a conversation with that hot redhead at the bus stop, but will gladly “go out on a limb” and send some stupid one-liner on Match.com to some chick we’ve never seen before? For a fee?

I guess that is one of those things that I’ll just never understand. Paying to “meet people” through online dating services is kind of like paying for sex. Minus that whole actually getting laid part. Actually, it’s kind of being blindfolded in a backseat of a fast-moving car with the window down, and you’re yelling out at all these girls you don’t know shit about and that you’ve never seen before, the driver’s going 75 and the whole time you’re dropping dollar bills out the window, hoping it attracts the love of your life.

If you have to use the internet for one thing sexual, go for porn. It’s free, the variety is better and you don’t have to take your computer to any awkward brunches the next morning.

But online dating is just fucking stupid, and fucking pathetic too. Go outside, stop pretending you’re too busy. Meet people. Say hello. Be your charming self. Smile.

You’d be amazed how well that works, still.

“The only difference between friends and lovers is about 4 minutes.”

~Scott Roeben

What is it about the warm sunshine that makes people take it for granted?

Pardon me if you don’t completely agree with my highly-scientific meteorological assessment, as a native Angelino I got in the bad habit of chalking every day without sunshine up as a loss of sorts. But seriously, when you don’t see the sun for a while it changes how you think, how you act, how you feel….

And dare I say, how ready to roar your libido is?

Sure, we’ve all heard and made snide remarks about people and what they do in Montana for half the year when it’s too cold to even go out to the mailbox, but really, does fucking for warmth and out of boredom do anybody any real favors?

There is nothing quite like having that warm sunshine greet you when you first set foot outside your front door, especially if it’s been AWOL for more than a couple days. The sun’s warmth is comforting to us humans and seems to make us more viscerally aware of our surroundings, including that hot blonde crossing the street in that miniskirt that’s been tucked away in her dresser since last September.

It’s no coincidence that a little UV goes a long way after cold/rainy days, mostly because it changes the shades of grey to beautiful hues of orange, red and all those other colors in between that colorblind folks like me struggle to identify. But colorblind or not, people are just more apt to be hot and bothered when the weather is hot and the rain’s done bothering us.

Maybe it’s the cool, clean feel of the air after a downpour. Maybe it’s the fact that people are down to fewer, sexier layers of their wardrobe. Maybe it’s purely psychological, and merely seeing the sun after a spell of cold and cloudy skies is like having a beautiful girl eagerly leap into your arms after nights spent alone with nothing more than your favorite sheets and pillows to keep you from being cold and lonely.

The sun is magical. There’s a reason most of our vacations are to places hotter than our hometowns, often with locals whose looks match the tropical climate.

You know, if this whole sunny weather thing sticks around for more than a day or so, we might start talking sun tans and beach parties again….and we all know the power of tanned bodies in bikinis and an ocean breeze….

So if you’re caught in the rain, grab your favorite movie and buddy of choice, and make the best of it. Just remember, when the warm sun finally comes out to play, everybody else will follow its lead.

“There is nothing wrong with making love with the light on. Just make sure the car door is closed.”

~George Burns

She pulled her lips away from mine slowly, and looked at me incredulously, as if I had just made the Golden Gate Bridge vanish in front of her deep brown eyes. She shot me a wry smile, shook her head and asked, “How the fuck are you single?”

I am not a fan of Oprah. Sorry, that whole, “I’m wide as a whale this year, and next year I’ll be slim as a ski pole” thing just irritates me. That, and I don’t do a whole helluva lot of TV anyway.

“You’re writing about Oprah on a sex blog? Dude, that’s just wrong, where the hell is this headed?”

I’m going somewhere quickly, and I’ll give you a hint, it’s nowhere near Oprah’s pants.

On one of her silly-ass shows Oprah actually did her part to promote sexiness in America. HAHA. No really. She had Dr. Mehmet Oz, a renowned, respected University of Columbia surgeon come on and answer some of the most commonly asked health questions from the silly turds in the studio audience. The most popular question was *giggle *giggle *giggle* about sex!

“How often should human beings be having sex each year?”

The Wizard of, I mean, Dr. Oz carried on the great American tradition of giving the audience fuck-tards four possible choices, what you and I would call a multiple-choice mindfuck. The options were:

A) weekly 

B) twice a week  

C) 10 times a month 

D) 200 times a year

And the envelope please….

200 times a year. At least.

WOW. How many Americans are getting that much action? Not nearly enough are getting enough, and frankly, it’s not doing our physical or mental wellbeing any good. Dr. Oz cited a Duke University sex study that showed very clear correlations between a human’s “physiologic age” and their actual age when sex was liberally added to the mix. People that had over 200 orgasms a year had an average physiologic age of six years less than their actual age. For those who aren’t doctors, physiologic age is measured by how well a body performs all its normal functions at that particular age. If you are a healthy 35-year-old that knows your way around the sack, then you can feel like you’re actually younger than 30, so long as someone’s still rocking your boat. 

If there’s one stupid New Year’s resolution to actually keep, (I haven’t seen you at the gym in a couple weeks pal) then it’s this one: put the health of your body and your mind at the top of the priority list by having more sex. A lot more sex. I could give a rat’s ass who you do it with, but get down already!

I know what your brain’s thinking, “well I get why my body would like to fuck more, but what’s it gonna do to keep me sane?”

Having regular sex is a crucial way to keep your mind finely tuned by not only delivering the greatest pleasure on Earth, but also by reminding you that your body is healthy and functioning well. Think of having frequent sex as an almost-daily visit to your doctor, just to make sure things are all good–up here, down there, and everywhere else they oughta be. Additionally, it does immeasurable good for your mental health to be so intimate with someone you are wildly attracted to, someone you feel very passionately about, or if you are truly lucky, someone that is both.

Repeat after me: I promise to stay on top (healthwise) by being on top, underneath, around, and in every other position possible this year at least 200 times.

And if you can do it 200 times a year, it’s pretty much like having your doctor tell you every other day, “hey, everything’s cool, just keep eating those apples and you won’t have to see me so damn often.”

“A terrible thing happened to me again last night–Nothing.”

~Phyllis Diller

And that may all change soon with the persistent, up-to-the-minute news about our economic recession.

A poll recently conducted by GfK Roper Public Affairs shows that only credit card debt was considered a more taboo subject by American adults. When asked what subject they are most reluctant to openly discuss, 78% of U.S. adults gave an answer that shouldn’t surprise anyone. Or at least anyone who’s ever gone around asking their friends about their best sex ever.

They said sex.

Over 3/4 of adult (supposedly mature) Americans are afraid to talk about birds, bees and blowjobs, despite the fact that 96% of those same adults have had sex! The only category which ranked higher (more taboo) was credit card debt-coming in at 82%-which is a growing reality in today’s dark economic times.

But really folks, is sex all that scary? Is it all that private? Is it wrong for us to go out to lunch with our friends and co-workers and talk openly and comfortably about what turns us on, what turns us off and how it turns us on our heads when she does that thing with her….

To note quickly, I understand feeling a little self-conscious in talking about what frivolous or flat-out stupid things you’ve “paid for” with plastic. People laugh, people make fun, people judge. Unfortunately, that is one of those lenses through which people judge each other in America. But for fuck’s sake, we’re afraid to discuss fucking! Why? If you’ve ever had an honest, open talk about sex with anyone who has a bone of maturity anywhere in their body, you know that it’s a topic you don’t get laughed at, or made fun of,  or usually even judged out loud about. The only exception I can possibly think of is virginity, which can elicit some judgment from people either way–”you’re too young to be having sex” or “you’re a virgin! you’re like 43! just like the movie!” Virginity loss at an abnormally young age, or maintenance of virginity throughout adulthood are two areas which can (and should be) dissected with a degree in psychology, as there is likely some explanation in the brain. But again, 96% of American adults have gotten down. Done the mattress mambo.  Done the hanky-panky. Maybe even with a little spanky too.

But I digress, what possesses adults who have gotten it on to not wanna talk about what happens in their bedroom/living room/back seat/nearest beach? Are American adults embarassed? Do they feel like sex is better done and not heard? What made silence and censorship the official policy in a nation which has a loud, outspoken opinion about everything else?

My theory is that there are a combination of factors that create a chilled forum of speech when it comes to sex in the United States:

1. We are a country conditioned to just ask people the same boring-ass questions about the same boring-ass things whenever we see them. Exhibit A: “Hey Jim, how’s work? How are the wife and kids? Did you see that football game yesterday?” Now, I love football, but I hate small talk about employment and family, so most of these topics which (by default) we ask people about suck. And not in a good way. Change it up, Americans! Be bold! Ask Jim about Sarah’s piercings and how many times they fucked on their trip to Cancun! The only way we can season our conversations with sexual excitement (and understanding) is the same way we season our foods, start by adding more and more until it’s good and juicy. 

 2. There is a misconception that talking about sex is dirty. Talking about sex is NOT dirty. Talking dirty and being dirty are very different things, with the former being crucial and the latter being disgusting, unsanitary and unlikely to score you a date. Unless they’re homeless. Really though, what about talking about a human instinct is dirty?

Everyone has a different sexual experience level, sexual comfort level and obviously different things get different people excited. But everybody fucks (96%) and does so differently, with different partners and practices. This is what makes human beings great! And lucky! We don’t always have to fuck like dogs (although there’s definitely nothing wrong with that) or cows or sheep, we can fuck like humans, which is any damn way we want. Nor do we always have to fuck for procreation only, like most all other animals do. 

Now while fisting or double penetration is naturally not going to be everybody’s favorite entree on the menu, it doesn’t mean that talking openly and maturely about different styles, practices and positions is dirty. Truly mature and wise people can hear and learn and talk about things which they’ve never heard of before, and this is called the process of education. This is the same as opening your damn economics book in high school, you learn about things you didn’t know about, and you become smarter, and more informed. This is NOT dirty. This is an education. Just because you are not used to hearing it, does not mean you shouldn’t expose yourself to it. You know, it’s really no different than learning another language by hearing it–and there’s nothing dirty about Espanol or Francais. Unless you’ve got a hot French or Spanish chick whispering something dirty in your ear, in which case you are very lucky.

3. We are still a country ruled by prudes and older people who were taught that talking about sex was “impolite” and none of our business. With so many medical advances in recent history, we are carrying more older people than ever with us each year. Unfortunately, most of these individuals were part of a generation that frowned upon bringing the bedroom into the kitchen, or the living room–both figuratively and literally–and therefore are of the opinion that sex is a private act, and none of anyone else’s damn business.

Unless, of course, they were an old sailor or military man, then they love talking about “all those broads they stuck it to when they were stationed in the tropics.” These guys earned those memories (and nicknames), and while they sometimes forget that they left their car keys in their pants pocket, they’ll never forget all those “young lasses” they had in their pants while serving abroad.

While it may be difficult and flat-out gross to get the elderly to open up about their sex lives, this doesn’t mean they have to be judgmental the instant someone talks about birth control, losing their virginity or anything of the sort. Simply because sex on the first date, using a prophylactic or oral sex was different “back in their day” doesn’t mean that it’s wrong. The beauty of sex is that it can never be wrong, for the most part. We’ll leave barnyard animals out of the conversation on this one.

As for prudes, just get over yourself. You don’t have to talk about sex, but don’t get mad when everyone else is talking about that hot threesome the secretaries and the boss had in the parking lot the other night. Seriously though, they caught it all on the security camera! Again, simply because a sexual practice is not something you choose to engage in (“missionary position? that isn’t a position, that’s the only way we’re allowed to procreate within the holy sanctity of marriage!”) doesn’t mean that everyone else can’t enjoy it. Don’t be the poop in the punch bowl.

Now these aforementioned reasons are just theories, so obviously they are not proven. Then again, evolution is still considered a theory too.

“There’s nothing inherently dirty about sex, but if you try real hard and use your imagination you can overcome that.”

~Lewis Grizzard

Glad you found my brand spankin’ new site dedicated to sex, sex, and more sex. This is a site updated whenever possible, and is meant to be a seductive online catalyst to fire up public awareness and discussion regarding the greatest solitary thing life has to offer us: sex. It is misinterpreted, misunderstood, censored and underestimated. It has started and ended relationships. It has started and ended wars. It has started and ended lives. Seriously, folks have died while fucking, and you know, I decided that’s exactly how I wanna go. Smile on my face and a gorgeous supermodel all over me.

This is a multipurpose site that will throw aside the little black panties of confusion, and dive headfirst into a fun and honest dialogue about sex in society, culture, psychology and daily life. And by the way, if you are shy or offended by sex, then by all means, feel free to click away from here and go back to masturbating.

“Every morning there’s a halo hangin’ from the corner of my girlfriend’s four-post bed, I know it’s not mine but I’ll see if I can use it for the weekend or a one-night stand.”

~Sugar Ray